Sailboat

When You’re the One Left Behind

Journal Entry Written September 15, 2012 

Karina has gone to England and is most likely not coming back until December 18th. I remember thinking, on the night before she left, that this was my last night with the Karina I grew up with. She’s not going to come back the same girl. She’ll have a taste for freedom and maybe never even want to come back and I’ll probably break my heart.  She’ll do things I can’t even imagine doing and meet people I’ll never meet.  She’ll move forward and when she comes back, I’ll probably still be in the same place. 

We took her to the airport last night — I skipped German and psych to be there — and it was almost surreal. It felt like it couldn’t actually be happening. Klaryssa started tearing up.  I decided not to think about her leaving because I didn’t want to cry there in front of everyone. 

I did cry though. I cried on the bus when reminiscing about all the Tuesday nights we watched Glee together.  I cried in the car on the way home when I thought about having an empty seat across from me at dinner.  I cried when I read the letter she sent me and when I thought about how lonely it’s going to be around the house and at school without my big sister. She’s the only one I’ve got, you know. 

December feels like a long ways away. Ever since I met her twenty years ago, the longest we’ve ever been apart has been a week. And it scares me because I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.  I guess I never realized just how much I love her. 

It’s weird walking up the stairs only to find her bedroom empty. It’s weird seeing the empty space where her toothbrush should be. It’s weird not hearing her sing in the shower. It’s weird just being a trio. 

I kept my eyes on her as long as I possibly could when she was going through security. But then she got pushed through and that was the last time I saw her. So we turned our backs and walked to the car. There was no use in lingering — she was gone. 

Perhaps it’s because I know she’s having the time of her life and experiencing these wonderful adventures that’s making life in this neck of the woods seem dull to me. Uncommonly dull.  I taught piano all morning, lounged about till 2pm, and then had rehearsal with Jackey and Fani.  Now I’m sprawled on my bed, writing on the only patch of sunlight left, and it’s only 4:36pm.  

I guess I don’t really know much about life right now. Once again, I feel like that little toy boat, madly struggling to stay afloat amidst the crashing waves and grander and bigger ships. I have no sense of direction; I’m just floating.

Actually, that description is wrong.  There are no waves (that would imply turbulence). The water is calm. Very calm.  Too calm. There isn’t even the slightest breeze to steer me somewhere…anywhere. There aren’t even any other boats around me for company. 

I am just there.  In the middle of the ocean…floating mindlessly and purposely. And it’s insipid and lonely. Perhaps there is something beyond these shores but I’m too much of a coward to adventure anywhere at present. So for now, I’m just floating, floating, floating…

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