But Mostly, It’s Wonderful

Things are happening. Wonderful things that are also a little terrifying. Much like the storm that is raging outside my window right now. It’s wonderful because it’s strong and alive and reminds me that there are forces at play, greater than I can even imagine. And it’s terrifying for the very same reasons. 

I keep thinking I hear someone shovelling frozen snow off the payment but there’s no snow on the ground so it must be something else. I have no idea what and I am okay with not knowing. That’s a new attitude for me. I, who used to want to know everything, especially pointless things that had no relevance or purpose in my life. All that wasted energy trying to get to the bottom of things, trying to understand people, trying to figure out why something happened and why something else didn’t. 

Life is so much easier when you don’t need to know everything. 

So, things are happening to me and I’m letting them happen. That is to say, I’m not resisting them and I’m not forcing them. Maybe you think that signifies apathy and maybe you think that’s a bad thing. I used to think so too. But now I think there is something quite precious about going with the flow, as they say, and trusting that things are falling apart and coming together in exactly the way they are meant to. 

Life is so much easier when you’re able to relinquish control. 

The things that are happening to me are both big and small, subtle and obvious. Big things like healing and small things like getting responses to my pitches. Subtle in the same way you don’t really notice the leaves changing colour in the fall until suddenly, they’re orange. And obvious like chopping down an entire tree. 

January happened to me and now February is happening too. Even when nothing seems to be going on, even when the world is still – things are happening. Even if that something is just that my hair is growing or that my chest is rising and falling with each breath. 

Life is happening to me, whether I want it to or not. I want it to. That’s what I told Erica the other day. I want to feel things – even the painful things. Because feeling things is living and living is life and life is hard, uncomfortable, bizarre, and scary – but mostly, it’s wonderful.