This morning I woke up at 6:30 and lay in bed reading Atonement until 8:00. Time seemed irrelevant because I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. So I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day. Strangely enough, having nothing to do made me feel important.
For the first time in a few months, I started writing my book again. I think Atonement inspired me. But also, it is hard to write about other people’s lives when you are too busy trying to live your own.
In two weeks, I will start school which will be interesting. I have not been to school in a long time and I wonder if I will still be good at it. Waiting for school to start is a bit like nearing the end of a long television series with one part of you wanting to finish it while the other wishes it would go on forever. I tap my fingers on my desk, eagerly awaiting the start of this new chapter while also clinging to my last two weeks of freedom.
To feel torn between two different options is something I am familiar with. It’s part of the reason I think I’m bad at decision-making. It certainly doesn’t make it easy to order food at a restaurant. I want everything – which is why I never feel fully satisfied.
Some people say to pick your path, stick to it, and don’t look back, but I always do. Then I am left with either relief or regret.
Always, I am torn between the past and future, never quite at ease in the present. For once, it would be nice to be so sure about something that I didn’t second-guess my decision but I don’t know if that is possible. Then again, a lot of things that I thought were impossible happened anyway. And a lot of things I thought would come true, died instead. To this day, the hardest part about life is still learning to accept that.