March is already half way over and I’ve yet to go on one jog around the meadows, or do yoga, or apply for enough placements or a bunch of other things that I said I’d do when the year began. Three plants have died because I forgot to water them. The book I planned to read is still on chapter two. The tasks on my work to-do list are still unticked.
January was supposed to be the start of something but everything went too fast and I missed it just like I missed most of what winter feels like in Edinburgh because I mainly stayed inside. Last year I walked everywhere. I saw the dead Christmas trees lying on the sides of roads, and the orange glow of January sunsets, and all the people bundled beneath their scarves and toques.
Mostly, I watched winter from my window this year. It never really snowed but I kept wishing it would because then maybe winter would feel more real. I told myself it’s okay to stay inside but I secretly missed being in the thick of it, maybe because then the warmth would feel more earned.
Everybody talked about how cold it was and how dark it was while I lit candles and pretended I was hibernating. But hibernation is about resting, about doing nothing and not feeling guilty about it, and I didn’t do that at all. Instead, I went to bed late and woke up early, working harder than I’ve worked in a long time.
Everyday, I tried to find the relief that comes with long, dark, nothing days but before I could find it, the sky was already starting to get lighter and the daffodils were already popping their heads out of the dirt. The world was transforming but I felt like I was in exactly the same place, tucked under the same fluffy blanket, except now with more dead plants surrounding me.
They say that spring is supposed to be the season of hope but every time I go outside on these brighter days, I miss winter even more. The snow melted overnight. It is always sad to think that life is happening and you’re somehow missing it and suddenly it’s over. A new season has begun and you must wait months and months until you get to experience it again. That’s why I felt so relieved when I was in Poland a few weeks ago and it started snowing even though it was already March. It felt like a second chance to live in winter and maybe not feel like I had somehow missed out on life. Maybe.