I’m sorry; You Didn’t Deserve That

I’ve been thinking a lot and I owe you an apology. When I think about how I made you feel, I shake my head in disbelief, feeling sick to my stomach that I treated you so poorly and with such a lack of respect and compassion. 

I’m sorry that I made you question your worth and doubt that you were deserving of pleasure and joy, kindness and rest. I am sorry that I pushed you so hard and made you feel like you could enjoy yourself only when you reached the ridiculously high standards you set. 

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Kazandra PangilinanLeave a comment
Girl reading

A Character in my Story

It’s a rather dismal Monday night in September (a strange month for me back in the day because I would be excited for school to start while simultaneously deeply wistful that summer should be coming to an end. I have since come to learn that we, as a society, are very prone to an “either-or” mentality when it’s perfectly acceptable to think “both-and”. IE: We are allowed to feel two conflicting things and that was very comforting for me to realize and greatly reduced a lot of my inner turmoil). 

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More Than…

There are a few remaining rays of August sunshine left and I’m sitting with my back to the window, letting myself soak it all in. I don’t do that enough. Soak things in, I mean. When I read books, I feel like I’m sometimes too motivated by needing to know what happens that I don’t savor every word, sentence, paragraph. And when I eat, I feel like I want to try everything, so I chew quickly, so that nothing runs out before I’ve had the chance. And when I walk, I stride with purpose, propelled forward by some invisible force. 

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These Moments, Too

I hear a plane flying above me, somewhere in the pure sky. There are birds chirping, somewhere in the trees. And in between all these things, somewhere in the deep folds of the universe, there’s me. I’m not doing anything spectacular – not jumping on overnight bus journeys and waking up in new cities, or trying new foods with names I can’t pronounce, or climbing volcanoes at sunrise – I’m just here, quietly existing in my own little way. 

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