Author: Kazandra Pangilinan

Kazandra is a Edinburgh-based writer with a passion for travel, people, and all things literary. You can follow her adventures on Instagram @kazu_p__

Green Rooms

So far, in June, I’ve bought 5 plants. One is called a string of turtles, another is a cactus, and one is a ficus. I don’t know the names of the other two but they are green, and lush, and alive. I shouldn’t have bought so many plants; I don’t even have room for them. They sit on my windowsill and table tops and radiators like too many cramped guests. I don’t know how to take care of plants either. I keep thinking they’re going to die because they wither or turn yellow or curl up or the leaves drop off completely but somehow they don’t. I want to believe that nothing really dies if you wish hard enough but I know that isn’t true. Most things die; many things die. Still, sometimes we get lucky. Sometimes life is forgiving. 

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Thirty

I’m 30 now. I remember finishing up a piano lesson last Wednesday and looking over at the clock and seeing it was midnight. That was it; my birthday. The start of a new decade. I suppose in Canada I was still twenty-nine, but in my life in Scotland, I was thirty. I went straight to bed and woke up at 4am to watch the sunrise on Arthur’s Seat. I did that last year too, except there was too much fog and I didn’t see a thing. This year, the sky was glorious. I don’t know if that means anything; I hope it does. I hope it symbolises everything the year ahead will look like. I’m always trying to find hidden meaning in things. Maybe thirty is when you’re supposed to stop doing things like that. Maybe by the time you reach thirty,  you’re supposed to realize that sometimes a sunrise is just a sunrise. 

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The Wind

I walked a lot in January and so far, I’ve walked a lot in February too. Over the weekend, I was walking into town to meet up with a friend for coffee and it was pouring rain or ‘pissing it down,’ as they would say over here. It’s impossible to use an umbrella in Scotland because of the wind. That’s why I had to pull my hood over my head, holding in place the entire journey. 

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The Streets we Walk

My favourite thing about walking with people who know Edinburgh better than I do is that whenever we pass something important, beautiful, or worth mentioning, they tell me about it. Some people will point out the significance of a statue, or the name of a building, or tell me that this is the place they went on their first date with the person who is now their wife or that that restaurant is their favourite or that they once threw up on those steps. 

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We’re All Looking at the Same Moon

There is an old man who works in a Turkish kebab shop on the street that I walk up and down most days. Sometimes, he looks busy and other times, he appears bored. He’s looking out the window, at all the people passing, and our eyes meet for half a second. It’s only when I’m already gone when I wonder if I remembered to smile. 

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Dead Christmas Trees

One of the saddest sights to see is dead Christmas trees abandoned on the side of the road. Last year, when I was finally able to leave my room and go out to explore after ten days in quarantine, dead Christmas trees were one of the first sights to greet me. No longer standing upright and no longer full of bright lights and colourful baubles, they looked lonely and dejected in their nakedness. It’s a very depressing thing to see. 

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